‘Umrah. A dream for many. A place of healing from the most saddest emotions that sink, yet remain in the depth of one’s heart.
When I experienced a miscarriage, it perhaps felt worse than it should have been due to the environment I was in at the time. Being amongst a team that was exploited in a professional work environment. Being several miles away from my close family and friends. Bottling in emotions within a heart that is almost saturated with tears. The constant feeling of an unsettled mind was in need of a remedy. And performing ‘Umrah became the remedy to jump-start this healing.
Exploited within a Professional Field
I hid the news of my miscarriage when I was working full time. Yes, I lost my precious baby on a Saturday and went into work ‘casually’ on the following Monday. Why? Because I was afraid. Afraid of the rough dynamics that sadly, already existed in the way things were managed at my workplace.
And so I pulled my fragile body with me into the office, with an aching, sore back, a face painted with smiles, alongside heavy legs that shared the weight of this grief. “A few more weeks,” I kept reassuring myself. “Just a few more weeks till I can perform ‘Umrah, Insha’Allah…” It’s as if I needed a crane to lift the heavy stone off of my back. And that ‘crane’ could only be found in the core of my connection with my Lord. The yearning to embark on the journey of ‘Umrah thus became more and more immense overtime.
I remember a colleague once asking if I was okay. He noticed the change in my posture and the constant pain I had on my back. Days later, I eventually opened up. “I’ve had a miscarriage,” I told him. “But it’s okay, I’m going ‘Umrah!” I smiled. He was in shock, but worse, he secretly told my senior manager out of concern…
My senior manager was a broad, tough guy, yet this image dissolved in the midst of his teary eyes, when he exclaimed, “why didn’t you tell us?” I told him I was fine. He said I was entitled to two weeks of sick leave, had I opened up about my situation. I was a little gutted that I didn’t jump on the opportunity, but the yearning of ‘Umrah soon approaching kept my positive, mental-energy consistent.
A gift of ‘Umrah
‘Umrah was my gift to my husband from the earnings I received in this job. It was a source of gratitude for him being by my side for the toughest of times over the years. He was amazed, humbled, emotional, and appreciative. What I didn’t know however, was that the incident to come (miscarriage) would change my perspective of ‘Umrah, making my yearning even greater than it previously had been.
Sadly, I had the tentative mindset that I wasn’t deserving of expressing my emotions. I thought people would find it ridiculous that I was grieving over a baby that was only a few months developed. Of course, I had a few friends and family members who were extremely supportive but, there was an emptiness that remained. And this wasn’t just due to the absence of my baby. It was the physical closeness I yearned for, to be within the Noble Lands of Makkah and Madinah. No amount of sympathy could change the fact that I just lost my little bundle of joy. The baby I felt so close to, I carried and communicated with throughout my entire day. But, somehow, I found healing in ‘Umrah.
Healing through ‘Umrah
Performing ‘Umrah reminded me of my ultimate goal – Jannah. During ‘Umrah, I recalled the events of Ibrahim (as) when he was ordered to sacrifice his son. The event of Hajar (RA) who ran from mountain to mountain in search of some water for her baby. And even the event of the enemies of our Prophet (s) when they mentally tortured him when he lost his beloved son. Not forgetting Abu Lahab, our Prophet (s)’s own uncle, who publicly celebrated the loss of our Prophet (s)’s son, or “lineage.”
I also recalled the many events wherein baby girls were buried alive before the Prophethood of our beloved, Muhammed (s). And so it was through performing ‘Umrah that I had found peace. It is was through ‘Umrah where I was thankful to Allāh, for protecting me from that which I could have perhaps not bear… Subhan’Allah.
Recalling these events however, did not make me belittle my trial, as Allāh grants the blessing of a trial to those in measure of what they can bear. What it did do however, is increase me in gratitude. I still had a mother, a father, a caring husband, and amazing friends and family members. I was blessed with better health, a beautiful home, and several more opportunities in helping others, especially the youth and young children. In fact, one of the most beautiful things about Islam is that a loss in the Dunya can still be asked for in Jannah…
Lesson learned from ‘Umrah
A miscarriage is often seen just by the mother and Allāh (SWT). It can be indescribable when speaking to those who have not undergone the same… This helps one converse and build a stronger connection with Allāh. And that is how every trial comes with its own blessings. Alhamdullilah.
So, do not despair in what Allāh takes away from you. Let your love for Him be unconditional. Let this love navigate you through being content in your affairs. And if you are struggling to find this love through the utterances of your du’aas during tahjjud time, in the depth of your sujood during your prayers or within the speech from Him pierced down from the heavens and scribed within the Qur’an, then… for the sake of Allāh’s pleasure and your healing, try to perform ‘Umrah…